It's been a heavy week here on the blog. It's hard to bring the humor out of Reality TV stars calling for the extinction of Black History Month, critical analysis of the Jena 6 grassroots movement, an increase in ignorant hate crimes and white racism on college campuses, and Bill O'Reilly's ignorant ass. So it's back to posting the worst the knockoffs of The Onion have to offer:
Rudy Giuliani Proposes Moving Kwanzaa to New Time Slot
By T. J. Eckleburg
Sep 28, 2007, 11:23
NEW YORK – Rudy Giuliani may have skipped the GOP presidential debate at historically black Morgan State University last night, but his absence does not mean he won’t take African American issues seriously, a Giuliani spokesman said today.
“The mayor wants to reassure his African American base that he is in touch with his inner blackness,” said the spokesman.”
Therefore, Mr. Giuliani plans to issue a position paper recommending that Kwanzaa, the African American Christmas celebration, be move to a new time slot.
“Kwanzaa has been troubled by poor Nielsen ratings for some time now,” said Mr. Giuliani. “That is why I pledge that during the first one hundred days of my administration I will sign an executive order that moves the Kwanzaa celebration to the weekend before Christmas—not only positioning it for maximum impact but also shortening it from eight days to two.”
Traditionally Kwanzaa is celebrated from December 26 to January 1, but Mr. Giuliani believes the new time slot and tightened format will revive interest in the celebration.
“September 11 changed the way we think about holiday celebrations,” said Mr. Giuliani. “It’s time we moved Kwanzaa from the back of the holiday bus.”
The final Nielsen ratings for 2006 gave Kwanzaa a disappointing 0.5 percent share. A share represents the number of houses with Kwanzaa decorations as a percentage of all decorated houses.
“That’s the lowest Kwanzaa share ever,” said A.C. Nielsen III, head of Nielsen’s holiday division. “Christmas, Hanukkah, Boxing Day, Winter Solstice, even Feliz Navidad, the new Hispanic Christmas celebration, all tracked better than Kwanzaa last year.”
Mr. Giuliani’s proposal also reaches out to Caucasian Americans by suggesting that Kwanzaa be “an all-inclusive holiday,” open to people of all races.
“There are literally millions of white kids in baggy clothes who would support Kwanzaa,” said America’s mayor. “Kwanzaa can no longer afford to treat them like second-class citizens.”
In related news, Mr. Giuliani hinted that his vision for an all-inclusive Kwanzaa could include renaming an early bowl game the Kwanzaa Bowl and asking Eminem to be the grand marshal of the Kwanzaa Bowl parade.